I think I may have experienced a rather significant ADHD type event on Thursday 😔.
I was supposed to be on a Zoom call for Death Midwife at 7 pm, and was really excited, had it in my paper and digital calendar, had reminders set up on Zoom, was reminding myself and telling friends every day about it...including my therapist at just 1 pm that day. That afternoon, at 5:15 on Thursday, I was
chatting with Jerry after his work day, about surgery tomorrow and other daily happenings. Somehow this movie popped into conversation,and I said "hey, Thunderbolts might be out tonight!" We debated, found a 6 pm show, thought about going at 7:20 but that would be too late, as we wanted to watch hockey game at 9. At this point, not once did my zoom call cross my mind. In 15 minutes, we were on our way to theater. Loved the movie, enjoyed appies and salad (also being mindful of surgery next day), and enjoyed our last date night outside the house for a while.
The webinar never came to mind until we were paying up at the theater and I had my flashlight on the bill - there was the calendar icon - still nothing until I actually opened the event. It was 8:20 pm.
Then it came....rushing feeling of shame, self- castigation, some name calling to myself, and almost tears. Fought them off in theater, but I was very frustrated with myself. In the car on the way home, I considered logging on but decided to try from home rather than disrupt class if they were wrapping up. The meeting was over by the time I got home, but at least I didn't forget about checking during the ten minutes drive from m the theater to the house.
Now where do I go from here. Part of my self-criticism is focused on logistics - how can I do this as a career/calling if I can't keep to my schedule?!
The other part questions my commitment on a subconscious level. Maybe I'm just scared? Possibly, but the excitement was there just hours before. And I think I could be really good at helping people and souls along this path.
But how do I compensate for this or make schedule checking a habit I don't forget..?! It is not the first time, but it has been a while since I missed something entirely. I have dreamt about it for decades, where I missed a test, or a whole class, or a job interview because I forgot/mixed up dates/times etc. I wake up completely discombobulated after these dreams.
Does it go back to a first babysitting job, where crossed wires resulted in my missing an interview and they made a big deal of not hiring me? Even now, the confusion over whose words crossed stumps me. But stuff definitely disappears from my brain calendar at odd times.
ADHD has come up as a diagnosis in my family, where one person has been diagnosed with ADHD and is working with the meds, and of course, others in the family who exhibit some characteristics. I brought it up with my therapist a year or two ago, but we decided I had other things going on, that maybe a diagnosis wasn't necessary, because I had developed tools over life and career to manage any symptoms/events that may affect day to day life...
Methinks I may need to consider some more tools. Whether I have ADHD or not, scheduling has been a challenge for me as I jump from thought to thought to event to event, and often forget to check what's already happening at the same time.
Happy thoughts, though, I have a couple weeks while my foot heals to first, focus on healing, do some reading, and then maybe see if I can get my hands on a recording of the Zoom I missed.
Onwards and upwards, setback notwithstanding!
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